Monday, 21 October 2013

Giving Birth

I got my work back from Larissa.

There were very few alterations (barring bibliography).

Normally, there is loads to do. Today, not so much.

She said that once I've done this last little bit it should be ready to go. She actually said that.

And then the terror set it.

This is the mental equivalent of giving birth. A year ago it was nothing more than a glimmer in Daddy's eye. Nine months ago, my mind got knocked up. There have been pregnancy complications, the possibility of a late delivery and now the Doctor says it might come a day early.

And for the first time in the whole gestation period, I'm scared. Something is coming out me that's big, and life changing. And just like a newborn, I have no idea whether it'll turn out happy and healthy, or if it'll be a difficult delivery that results in retardation, academic retardation.

I'll have the kid regardless. Too late for a coat-hanger or a "trip" down the stairs. But my life will be different in a few days and I'm scared.

But a bun can't live in the oven too long or it spoils - and it hurts the mother too.

I think what is terrifying me is that this is the biggest thing I'll do that has a mark attached, and that mark decides the next step. I want to do a PhD, but I want a scholarship and I'm chasing marks.

I'm waiting to hear back about my publication, but that isn't until November.

I'll be waiting for this too, once it's out. Like it'll be in neonatal care for eight weeks or something.

What'll I be like if I ever become a Father? Although if I get four days of stress every nine months or so, I can't be doing too badly.

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