Salmonella

Really knocks you around.

Today I felt way better, well enough for a brutal work out and a confusing class - but am I sore mentally and physically.

Still need to push through a little further just to get my circadian rhythm back.

Advice? Cook your own food wherever possible - vegetarianism is not a guarantee.

But Salmonella isn't all bad. If you attach a 'Dub' they make great music. And if you want a fast weight loss tool..

Return

I was pretty unwell the last couple of days.

Spent most of them in bed, catching up on sleep.

When I felt a little better, this afternoon sometime, I ventured out for basic groceries then sat down to my ethics application.

That thing is huge. It also asks questions of my project in a way I didn't expect, making me answer and think of new stuff in the bargain.

I still have a lot to do and I'm not 100% yet, but it's nice to have something to do when I return to health.

Old flames

Since I've such a fire in my belly for what's happening now, it makes sense to have a very realistic dream (as far as dreams go) about an old flame I've been out of touch with for a while now, right?

I've attempted to track her down once or twice but failed miserably. Her name, unlike mine, is uber-common, and she's further off the grid than I was for a while.

Anyway, through the magic of Stalkbook, I managed to find her - in Fiji - and since I came into a little money I might just go on an adventure. Or I might not.

The thing that has me about Honours is just how close everything is - and how interconnected. I'd wager I could play six-degrees with anything(s) and make it.

I started with a finite, fast-paced goal to be reached for pure ambition, and I'm now faced with a myriad of possibilities and no rush to achieve any of them.

It's a strange feeling. I like to think of myself as driven, but I always end up in odd places with stranger people.

Instead of Honours giving me focus (although it has), I'm starting to understand myself and my way of working - in life, in general - in better terms.

This in itself is a lifetime of unpacking, but rather than play it that way I'm really content to just let the cards fall.

Strange. Old flame to present day in less than six...

Characters

Done!

Finished the essay and rather than a sigh of relief I breathe heavily in anticipation.

I know much more about three things.

Immediacy.

Interactive Mixed-Media Performance.

Where I sit - and where I need to get to.

That being said, I'm going to take a day off (well, I'm still working at my regular job and I'll be heading to the gym, but a day off academic thought).

In doing so, I grabbed a really good coffee after submitting my essay and caught eyes with a really intense looking guy who was having a conversation with one of the baristas, which led him (the intense guy) to lose all track of where he was. Instead the three of us invented a new mutually inclusive conversation about the strange people - like us - that work in and appear before those-who-work-in hospitality.

Which reminded me a lot of the people I've been reading and reading about. There are some real crazies out there, wherever you go.

Like my milk pouring friend said "We work here not to escape the characters - but because we get to meet them."

Which is what I'll be more of, as well as writing more of.

Characters. Sigh.

Conclusion

Nearing the end of my essay, I realised that I think I might have just found something unexpected - and from what I can tell, original.

In tracing the variations of immediacy, I sort of stumbled into the whole flow thing, but even this all encompassing idea has a gap - and it's this tiny hole I might just try and fill in.

It also coincides with my unique education and style of inquiry. I don't want to hedge my bets, but there is something in here that needs attention, and I have that to give.

I'm going to sleep on it, then unpack it a little more, but for now it seems I might have reached a conclusion - that opens another door.

Figures..

Deadlifts

Today I pushed more weight than ever before (which is relatively small compared to regular 'lifters', but is about 80% of my own weight).

Anyway, the point is that I spent more time getting the technique down, so when it came time to start pushing a challenging weight, the motion was already there - on the few reps that I was totally in synch, it felt like I was tossing a sack of feathers. On the rest, I could feel exactly where I was failing. I didn't have enough drive through my heels, or I was performing the motion in steps.

The same is certainly relevant to my honours. I'm doing an essay now and I was worried about word-count, so I wrote a lot of words.

Now I have 2500 of them - but at the speed of editing I'll have about 1500.

This is the pitfall of prolific writing. I can churn out words like nobody's business. For those of you reading, I write freeform, just doing the thing without thinking to heavily about it.

But when you really want to concretise something, it's the editing that counts. If I didn't have other life commitments (work, fitness, very rare social events), I might be able to squeeze in exactly the amount of editing required.

However, I do, so while I may not be able to get as much time for this round, I can use this as an experience to make certain that next time, I do.

And since I want to push big weights, I have to adjust. But without the knowledge of the basics, or the feeling of failure, I'd never appreciate what it takes to deadlift.

Game on Honours.

Flow

This is a strange one.

In reading far and wide (a mistake - reading locally - that I've really been addressing) I think I might have found something really cool - a way to integrate the varying degrees of immediacy, rather than claiming the conceptual (and in effect, impossible) ideal above all else.

Think Platonic (as in Plato) forms. If I said 'think of your ideal partner', and you said 'okay', an inherent problem would arise: every real person you met that might be considered companionable would also be compared to this impossible ideal - and never live up to it.

Let's face it. I will never meet a half-Oriental, half-Latina, crazy and rational in equal portions that challenges me and defers to me, that is a total equalitarian and can choose whether she wishes to become pregnant because she has no need for contraceptive devices. She also happens to be independently wealthy, but respects that I might want to earn my own coin. Above all, she only likes what I consider to be excellent music, has an intellect only comparable with a hybrid of Einstein and Dante, and somehow looks exactly like Catherine Zeta-Jones - but sings like Katie Noonan.

Yeah, so that isn't possible. What is possible is finding someone with similar qualities and accepting that what makes this person is not only their oddities, their imperfections, but that, impossible as it may seem, they like you for the same reasons.

Huge digression I know, but honest, and academic investigation seems to function in roughly the same fashion.

Instead of being hell bent to prove my point that 'immediacy is impossible - especially in mixed-media performance', I took a step back.

I drew from philosophy instead. Not new territory, considering I minored in it, but different territory. As I traversed a path from Plato to Levinas (Emmanuel, not Thomas for those in the know) I found some pretty interesting things. It hasn't all sunk in so I'm not going to jump the gun, but there is a thread I'm unravelling - and using to form a new tapestry.

I read Virilio. I laughed (aloud, by myself, in my bedroom) because while much of what he says is accurate, there is no room for optimism. I realised he and I have much in common, and that perhaps I didn't like what I saw in him that was also present in myself.

I read Csikszentmihalyi (try saying it once, let alone ten times fast) and I found something really, really simple and also profound. I think that often the little things (previous post) are the most amazing, but this guy... This guy kind of hit the nail on the head - at least for me.

So many things I've done have given me so much joy, and this is what makes me who (and how) I am. I've been payed to play, physically, musically and circus-wise. I've derived (the first 'e' should have an 'accent acute'). I've spent so much time and effort doing beautiful, inclusive things, and yet set myself a task in the opposite.

What a fool I've been.

The perk of being a fool is, at least you're expected to fail. But the beauty of true foolishness is that fools, jesters, clowns are inherently humble.

I'm an arrogant fool at times, but this is not one of those times.

Special shout out to Neal for telling me not just where I missed, but how to aim better.

Special shout out to Adrian for just knowing it, even if he doesn't know it.

No more hating.

Let it flow, let it flow, let it flow.

Quest

I've been going about this all wrong.

I've been coming to this realisation slowly, but the last week has really brought it home, especially today.

I am a gung-ho person (as previously discussed in my Animal post), but the problem with attacking things head on is that I'm using my head for bludgeoning, and not for thinking.

Take my precursor. I smashed myself with masses of technology and new programs, which while it was fun to do and great to view, ended up distracting me from the point of the exercise in some major ways.

It was a 7/10 event, where I'm aiming for 9+.

That hurt a little, but pain can be welcome sometimes. It reminds us we're alive, but it also gives us scars that we learn from.

In my case, use my head for thinking, and use my fingers and toes for checking the water. One hand can punch while the other blocks, leaving the head protected - and ready to calculate the next blow, or the next evasion.

It's good to learn now, near the start, so I can plan for the coming war. I lost the first battle, but the siege continues.

Sieges require strategy, planning and exploration to execute efficiently. Quests require a goal - and that's it.

The quest is dead. Long live the exploration!

Babies

This couldn't be more relevant if it tried.

Here I was (am - still in the same spot) sitting in a little park near my house, attempting to get a bit of reading done, which for me means headphones in and iPad in front of me, and I feel my seat rumble a bit.

There is this gorgeous little 10-month old girl with the most piercingly inquisitive blue eyes staring at me, trying to gain my attention so we can play together.

I pull my headphones out and the two of us strike up a dialogue, a mixture of words, babble and gurgles as we create a new connection. I don't have kids (or even singular kid) of my own, but many of my friends do, but they're as similar as adults. We all have heads and such but aside from that we're fairly unique.

Anyway, her Dad comes over and we get to playing/talking, about children, life and best of all - the search for immediacy in the digital.

As the sun starts to set, the smallest member of our party gets hungry, which means I'm left alone with cheerful waves and much mimicking in place of other forms of learned behaviour.

I watch my playfellows turn the corner, and I feel that acute sense of loss that I associate with the end of a live, theatrical performance, which is not the same as finishing a film, or even a long-form series. It's more like closing a wonderful book, or saying goodbye to a relative travelling overseas for a time.

This is exactly what I'm trying to explain, but I'll be damned if I can put it into words. It's like that time where (for a time) I was helping a lecturer/friend studying the phenomenological 'moment of laughter' - it's an easy thing to speak of, but a really tricky one to describe.

I won't say too much more on that, but I really feel like there is something that just happened that is inherently special, unique and oh so immediate that I'd like to feel while the feeling persists.

Maybe I should get around to creating a few babies of my own.

Little Things

Make all the difference.

Today was brutal. I started with almost enough sleep, cooked up a series of meals (and an amazing brunch) to keep fueled for the next few days and walked into hell at work.

But I had good people on, so it was bearable, even fun for the most part. Some nice looking ladies came in, which is a huge bonus. We actually got out a little early, because we all worked as a team and I played glue. The boys - me included - mostly spoke in French, which was a lot of fun. Turns out my French is quite passable.

On the way home I rode behind a lovely behind, but she rode at exactly my pace so I never got to see the front.

All in all, a day I'd not soon repeat, but the little things kept me sane, and it's the little things that count, right?

Haircut

One of those things on the list that just needed doing.

Others include:

Bringing in the washing
Grocery shopping
Writing articles for YouWeekly
Cleaning my bike
Asking LINK about work
Ethics application

Then there's the usual: reading, writing and blogging.

Blogging done. Haircut too.

Organised

As always on a Thursday afternoon (that is, post-Adrian's class), I feel a need for organisation.

I got the mail app Ben told me about and instead of using it how it is meant to be used, I basically look at how much mail is flashing at me and enter my real mailboxes, writing accordingly.

I went from 40 to three. Ahhh!

Next up was sorting through my growing reference list. I have 66 in Zotero alone. Everyday I try to add a few more, things I've already read, and things I read on the day. Today I have three new ones to add.

I also worked on my brother's bike, something I've been putting off due to essays, and I booked in for a PT session - another oversight due to overwork.

Tomorrow (or tonight after work if I could be bothered) comes the Gantt Chart, and the start of my ethics application.

I sent an email to Mel regarding her permission to use her in my research too. If she says no, I can probably save a lot of time regarding ethics paperwork.

Thankfully, in my research for Neal's class (and research in general) I've come across a lot of stuff to use for Adrian's essay, and already distilled much of it into an essay of sorts.

Turns out, if you play nice, you might just be more organised than you think.

Glasses

My brain hurts.

I've read about thirty articles in the last two days.

The reason it hurts is because they were interesting. Often I read to pass the time, but this is different.

Off to put the finishing touches to my bibliography.

Eat.

Sleep.

I think I'll need glasses before too long.

When the net goes down..

Write! I'm putting together Danielle's essay and the net goes down.

Thankfully, I have a massive anthology of references (50+) I collected during my Bachelor (sans Honours). I've got a really solid plan for the essay and I've drawn a map linking the bits to where they need to be.

What I was missing was a large portion of writing, so while my Internet (home, not mobile) is gone, I've just been throwing words at a page.

From what I can see, I've overwritten (if that's a word) and all I need to do is pull it all together by getting the right references to link it all up.

I'm still worried I've gone about the whole thing in the wrong way, but at least what I'll hand in makes sense relative to itself.

But I've been at it for the latter half of today so I think it's time for some anime and sleep.

Another great way to spend time if the net is down!

Reprieve

I did my Precursor Project.

Some of it went as expected and much of it didn't. To my sheer delight, almost all of the hiccoughs (that's being generous - video with no sound, missing streaming media and due to this a complete mismatch in my recorded and live delivery plus going overtime and basically getting my tutor to do half of my setup is more akin to absolute failure) ended up adding to the effect I was aiming for - proving that liveness = immediacy.

Pretty chuffed. Everyone there seemed to really get something out of it and it (or at least, my immediacy debate) kept appearing in the rest of the presentations.

Not holding my breath for marks, but certainly happy about the 'immediate' effect generated.

Had a meeting with my supervisors and Ben. We all had a great discussion and split down the middle (as suspected, John goes with Ben and Larissa pairs with me). I must say, I'll be sad to lose that wonderful group dynamic, because Ben and I have similar issues and John and Larissa very disparate action styles, which combined serve to illustrate many more problems and potential solutions than one-on-one interaction.

Regardless, left that meeting with more confidence and direction, particularly when combined with the fortuitous presentation from this morning.

To top it off, I had the extreme pleasure of catching up with one of my all-time best friends. We had coffee, beer (and more to come) and are currently engaged in a debate/consolation session regarding performing arts (he's a fellow clown, but also a comedian), media, academia (his Dad is a Doctor of Philosophy and Psychology - and an accomplished pianist; we've had the pleasure of dining together, playing together and Miles has lectured both myself and my Mother) and the general state of the Earth and its' people.

But tonight is a small reward for much hard work. I managed to draw a further map for Danielle and collate a fist full of references so, while my head may be sore tomorrow, I feel I warrant some reprieve - even if it's writing a blog while 'performing' ablutions.

Performing artists: doing so in the most inconvenient places..

Nothing

I'll be honest - I really have nothing tonight.

Perhaps just typing will free something.

Maybe it's just being properly tired. It does weird things to a person.

Or maybe it's because I'm sitting in a park listening to Cannibal Corpse while kids are playing on the equipment. That's not strange at all...

Actually, there is something.

I HATE it when people are consistently late. There is something we value about time above almost everything else that makes lateness disrespectful to the highest degree.

It's okay for the odd happening to get in the way, but the frequency is what gets me.

I could go on forever about this but I'll save it for another time.

Guess it wasn't nothing after all.

Animal

I am an animal.

Aside from being a hairball that air-drums blast beats, I wager I'm one of a relative few people that can multitask in a genuine way.

I can also put up with a serious amount of punishment without cracking.

Maybe it's coming, but somehow I don't think so. I think micro-venting is the key. Or perhaps, my annual serious injury (mental or physical) is the relief I require to carry on at this rate.

Regardless, from what I can tell, animals do what they need to when they need to. That's all there is to it.

Once we humans accept this, it becomes a lot easier.

I was speaking to my coworker while we were inundated tonight, and she adopted me as an Honourary Chinese person simply due to my ethic and ability.

I'm not sure if this is a good thing, the ability to present great work under constant pressure, but in the world in which we live it seems valid - and special.

I just hope I can keep it up for as long as I need.

After all, I am an animal.

Angles

Attacking something via a series of mediums seems, to me, to be the most fruitful.

Take my precursor:

- I tried to write some stuff. It was okay.

- I read it aloud. I found glaring errors.

- I rewrote. That seemed better.

- I recorded it. JESUS (said the agnostic atheist), THAT WAS BAD.

- I made a Prezi (great program). I thought I was wasting time while I was doing it. NOT THE CASE.

- I rewrote. Much better.

- I rewrote. Much better.

- I read it aloud. MUCH BETTER.

I still need to re-record. I still need to run everything simultaneously. But I have the heart of everything ready to roll and enough time to make it work.

The best thing is that it won't just work, it will work well. If I can make everything converge, it will be wonderful.

The trick is to use variety. Like muscle function, mathematics, it's all about the angles.

It will never be perfect. I can strain a muscle no matter how hard I train it. I can still miscalculate, but if I have my workings present I can see precisely where I erred.

It's all about the angles.

Tomatoes

Managed to squeeze a couple in today. Read and responded to something for Neal and the next few days will be action packed with life - so I'll need to be on my game when it comes to making sure my fruit is fruitful.

Really hoping I get good news about this job tomorrow, because Uni in the morning and work at night makes for long days.

Off to try a pomodoro, or dream about them.

Mapping

Today was spent mapping a few things out.

It started with a fair bit of work on the assignment for Danielle. Last night I hit a slightly different way of attempting the mapping exercise, and it really got me playing around with that today. Having a pretty good understanding of performance groups, I was wondering how to explain the sub-cultures that Danielle was after.

Instead, I figured I could work the other way, and use the groups to describe the cultures. I identified a series of performance types, and a few historical periods that had a huge effect on the evolution of performance to what it encompasses today. The easiest way to describe this these shifts (to me, and likely to someone else from me) is to focus on groups that showcase the movement.

However, in attacking the problem from so many angles, I identified a totally different and much more relevant thread:

Opera - Happenings - Fluxus - Postmodernism - Games - Big Games

The links are obvious and can be explained in a number of ways. The general gist is an evolution from mixed-medium performance (Opera) to interactive mixed-media performance (Big Gaming). While each step may omit part of the total thread along the way, without it, there is a fundamental gap in the chain of evolution (actually, the chain kind of works on alternating links).

It also takes me directly to Blast Theory, the same group I'll likely be exploring in my thesis. Aside from being an interesting exercise in performance history, it's really nice finding the history behind what I'm looking at.

Also spent a bit of time linking Endnote, Zotero and Scrivener together. Another chain of events that make for easier work. Much easier work.

Lastly, I had an interview for a job at RMIT (the 'Link' depertment funnily enough) which leads me back to what I asked of myself at the start of semester - to get another job. Fingers crossed.

And I'm sure, when I read back over this blog in a year's time, it'll be map of it's own.

Real Progress

Sorry about the miss-hit last night. My internet went downtown, which made it a little impossible to blog, so tonight will be a little larger and oddly more coherent than usual.

Just for some background, I've been using each of my classes to investigate a piece of my research. Now I'm putting these bits together to create a single entity.

Here's what I've got so far - a letter to my supervisory team:
 

"Hi guys,

Okay, if I remember correctly, we were supposed to send through 'updates' on how our research questions and the like were travelling. Here goes:

I like catchy titles, so my current revision is "Hold Please: The Search for Immediacy in Digital Performance".

I suppose I'll have to define two halves, then unite them as a total argument.

The first idea is to generate a workable definition of the concept of immediacy. Some starting points for myself are:

- Susan Davis, "Liveness, mediation and immediacy" in Research in Drama Education: The Journal of Applied Theatre and Performance, 17.4: 501-516.

- David Saltz, "Live Media: Interactive Technology and Theatre", Theatre Topics, 11.2 (2001): 107-130.

- Philip Auslander, Liveness : Performance in a Mediatized Culture, Taylor and Francis, 2008.

Between these readings, I guess I can kind of weave a net of the immediate. The Davis article is particularly useful for my own purposes, offering quite a good discussion on differing definitions of 'immediacy'.

I also read a fair chunk of the stuff you (Larissa) gave me. I really liked the "Waiting for Immediacy" - I thought it was thought provoking without being draining, and I'm always partial to reading something that makes me actually get up and use my body. Kind of changed my research angle from promoting immediacy in digital performance to the opposite – which is much more accurate and interesting.

I read the Meyer article you (John) sent me too (Bridget Meyer, “Mediation and Immediacy: Sensational Forms, Semiotic Ideaologies and the Question of the Medium”, Social Anthropology Special Issue: What is a Medium, 19.1 (2011): 90-97). You're right – even though it wasn't quite in my usual bracket, the concepts were up my alley. I was really taken by the last two paragraphs, with media as bringer of immediate connection to the almighty, and also the “which position to take regarding the 'invisibility' of the media object”. This is surprisingly integral to my argument, as my whole position relies on both the 'visibility' of the object and taking an external stance!

Anyway, the next half is digital performance, and going on the idea of no more than 2-3 case studies, I thought I might look at this quite bluntly, starting with a quick overview of the 'opposite' of digital performance (traditional 'live' theatre) as a basis for immediacy in performance, then branch outwards.

- Peggy Phelan (Unmarked: The Politics of Performance, NewYork, Routledge, 1993) kind of defines performance as immediate due wholly to it's liveness, with anything else not quite hitting the mark (that's a huge oversimplification, but it'll do for now), which seems to be a pretty easy way of opening traditional theatre as a starting point.

- After that, I'll probably roll with Blast Theory, and use them as a mid-point, due to their combined use of the physical and digital. I could pretty much pick anything they've done in the last ten years, but 'Can You See Me Now', 'I Like Frank' or 'I'd Hide You' seem good options in that they combine the liveness/co-presence of theatre with digital media in a true mixed media performance context and, in doing so, highlight the difference in immediacy between the two options. Perhaps I'll do a close study of one work, but I'm thinking it might be better if I look at the thread consistently present in their work. I'll likely be citing yourself (Larissa) and also John Farman (Mobile Interface Theory: Embodied Space and Locative Media, Routledge, 2012.) as his text is way to good not to include.

- Finally, I'd move on to Avatar Body Collision and their use of Upstage to create what their founder Helen Varley Jamieson has coined 'cyberformance' - essentially, wholly digital performance, with no visible physical presence (she wrote her Masters Thesis on her ABC work, which I'll dig up a reference for shortly). While it is certainly the most readily accessible form of 'live' performance, it is without doubt the least immediate.

I guess that's the general plan, to prove (in thesis format) the idea that the closer to totally digital performance becomes, the less immediate it is. The less co-present, the less immediate – simple as that.

I'm delegating my honours thesis to this endeavour in the hope that it may become the first chapter in my doctoral research, which will probably be a series of works investigating how I might go about reversing this, or adding to the space in between by arguing that interactive theatre is the same as Big Gaming (that'll turn a few heads).

While it might sound negative to try and disprove the immediate in the digital, really what I'm doing is promoting the vibrancy and life that is inherent in live-theatre, and proving that while cyberformance is amazing in what it does, there is still, and always will be a place for traditional modes of performance – and this place might even be made all the more special due to its opposition.

It's still a little shaky, but you get the idea. Is this kind of what you were after"

And the progress begins.

Feeling Good

You know what?

Last night I hit the nail. I've since been in touch with Neal (Uni), Angus (work) and Mum (family) and I think I've done enough to warrant a night off.

I wish you all all the best and we'll speak tomorrow.

Peace, love and joy,

Josh

Hold Please: The Search For Immediacy in Digital Performance

I think I've found it.

A whole bunch of stuff I've read finally hit a common thread.

While researching immediacy, I read a few things speaking along the lines of 'something can only be defined against it's opposite'.

The opposite of immediacy is waiting. The opposite of analog is digital.

As the world moves more towards digital, we attempt to make the digital more like us. Humans want things now, do things now, are now - that's why we're called human BEINGS. We push the digital world to react to the speed of life.

I argue that this is not possible, and I do so via performance, specifically analog (live) performance versus digital (delayed) performance.

No matter how fast our digital connections, the live will always be more instantaneous, more immediate. By blending the two (mixed media) or negating the analog (digital), we only serve to illustrate just how true this is.

Art reflects life, and there is no more intimate (and immediate) art than theatre, where life is played out before our very eyes. The closer artists such as Blast Theory or Avatar Body Collision come to engaging the digital, the more obvious the divide becomes to non-artists and artists alike.

While the digital will increase in it's scope and influence in everyday and artistic life, the live will always react accordingly and strengthen its position, using technology to help rather than overtake.

As our eating and exercise habits return to our Paleolithic roots, so too do our artistic endeavours. Interactive media groups like Blast Theory use digital advances in conjunction with the physical to lend mixed media art the same credence as Vibram footwear or organic produce, by promoting societal (psychological) practices with the aid of digital technologies.

Instead of dismissing technological advancement as inherently detrimental to the human condition, mixed media art forwards an inclusive view of the human/technological debate through co-existence. While digital technologies aid in many facets of daily human life, the intimacy of the immediate will never be replaced - only heightened - by it's juxtaposition with the asynchronicity of the digital.

Whoa!

Habit

Work, read, eat, train, sleep.

In there I still read three articles and got a few other things done.

Tomorrow I'll write more, but I just got home and I need to be at work again in six hours.

I just have to keep up the habit. A good habit.

And so I don't forget, one of the articles was amazing, one was terrible but had a few great points and the other was right in between.

I read somewhere that a habit takes 23 days to break. Does that mean a(nother) habit takes 23 days to establish?

Whatever the case, it's good to get into the right habits.

Come together.

Today was just right.

I woke up a little earlier than expected, which gave me time to get in a reading this morning.

I read the Rosenberg piece that Adrian sent our way. While I didn't really enjoy the whole thing, I did identify with the centripetal and centrifugal ideas. My general practice is much more centrifugal, a little more off kilter and disparate. However, upon reviewing my own research project, I found that in this instance I'm much more centripetal. It feels like, now that I have a pretty concrete question, I'm walking along a somewhat narrower path without too much room for variation.

While I thought this wouldn't be for me, the fact that I have quite a naturally logical (point to point) brain, it's actually quite comfortable.

Moving on from this, doing the graphs in Adrian's class today was kind of helpful. Looking back over my last few posts kind of proves this too. Essentially, there are bits of research I kind of suck at (the stuff prior to the writing) and I've really been making more of an effort to come to grips with them. It also helps that I've been quite focussed on getting in touch with new technologies.

I've also made a smart move in deciding on my precursor project (immediacy) and my map for Danielle's class (cyberformance) . Essentially, I'm using my two classes to investigate the halves of my overarching question, adding Adrian's class as a potential methods to my research madness, and ideally reporting to Larissa and John with much better formed ideas.

In turn, this will make my efforts more succinct and directed as a whole, while giving me leeway to explore each piece in my usual style. So I guess I'll be writing centripetally while researching centrifugally. And that sentence doesn't confuse me one bit. Impressive!

Anyway, once class was over I went to a cafe and sat in an attempt to write today's 500 odd words. I ended up with about 800, which was a pleasant surprise. Sure they need work, but it's nice to have a bunch to refine rather than two that require expansion.

I'm writing now from a bench in a local park. I've been so concerned about setting up a place to work at home that I forgot something - I do my best work outside, or in large expanses. I think on my feet when I'm on my feet and I generate new material in new places, or at least alternate spaces.

All this couldn't have come at a better time either. I just got a call about an interview for an arts officer position at the Uni. I'm qualified but out of practice, and I'd really like the job, so it's time to bring my A-game to the table. Since I want to work at University level anyway, I figure it's a great place/time to start.

And speaking of space and time, I recently reread an essay I wrote on Forced Entertainment. It happens to deal with their crack at space and time and it is a pretty good read. Last time I asked a few old lecturer-colleagues (yes, I have actually worked with some of them before) for a hand with readings. This time I have a new question: where is the best place for me to get some of my better work published? I think I'll send out a few extra feelers - the guys at RMIT seem to be a little more practical than the Monash folk - and see what turns up.

Like I said, today was just right. Next stop: get work published.

But before that happens, I'm in a great space to read something. And it's time to read something new.

Sometimes it just comes together.

Sharing

I have just spent the last two hours organising all of my references into Zotero. While this was going on, I went on a little reading journey and discovered a great article - but not for me! So I sent it to the guy it will be useful for (Ben).

This is what happens when you listen to what other people are doing and take a genuine interest. This is what the academics I've met so far have done for me, and rather than spend my whole time trying to get the best for myself alone, I think it's time to really get involved in the process.

That said, I still have a lot of reading to do. And a lot of it is stuff that has been passed my way.

Sharing is caring.

Ghost

Today was a proper catch up day.

Slept in.

Exercised.

Bought a hoodie.

Read.

Applied for a job.

Applied for funding.

Got back to a host of people.

Ate. A lot.

Cleaned my room.

Updated my tech.

Commented on what I read.

Went for a walk.

Sounds boring, but felt great. Tomorrow is my last day of 'holidays' and I'll be doing similar stuff, tying up loose ends, preparing for the next session of study. But I feel back on top.

I read the Berger excerpt Adrian sent our way, and also the slice from 'The Machine Stops' Neal gave us. Both readings, though hugely disparate, made me reconnect with the Honours course and my own place therein.

Adrian's (as always) was infinitely practical. I really appreciate that he attached the table of contents. I purchased a book on Practical Research but didn't really know how to approach it. While I'm not super clued in on how to go about it, I certainly have a better idea now.

Neal's was more obscure (like always) but made me remember my own position, exactly why I was arguing what I was in the beginning. While I have changed over the last few weeks, irreversibly, it helped me by showing me memory of my corer self. So much has happened in such a short time, it's really important to keep the thread or I might just lose everything.

I also spoke to Ricky, my man over in Hong Kong. I chose between two paths - Honours or teaching in HK - at the start of this year. It turns out they're not mutually exclusive - Rick's happy to take me when I have the time.

So... You're wondering about the Ghost thing, right?

They're everywhere. They're in the past (reconnecting), they're in the present (spreading to thin) and they're in the future (a white man in HK is often referred to as 'gwai lo' - ghost).

Plus it's what I'm listening to right now.

Precursor

Today I read an email from Neal. It said something along the lines of my precursor project being (way) too ambitious.

Well, I've never been lacking in that department...

So I went about some overdue housework to help clear my head. I find a neat, organised environment much more conducive to good work.

Once that was done I shot him back an email that outlined a new project, but also took into account where I'm coming from and where I'd like to head to. It was a lengthy email, but not extraneous. For me, it hit the nail on the head.

The tricky thing about all of this research stuff is that it is really fluid. At no point am I ever quite comfortable, which I guess is the point. I'm looking for answers to half formed questions. I'm reading stuff that points to new ideas. It's all very interesting, active and alive.

My precursor is all about the immediate, the moment, the elusive now that is so hard to realise until it is passed.

It reminds me of a phenomenological study I took part in, trying to ascertain what happens at the moment we laugh. It was easy to point out what happened either side, but the pinpoint was so fleeting it was impossible to explain.

Well, not impossible. It just took a lot of different views to pull out a common thread.

And I suppose that is what I'm after, what you're after, what all of us researchers are after. It's the thread that points to the answer, the answer we can't see yet.

It's like trying to find a strand in a spider web. You only feel it when your already entangled and the spider is crawling up your back. It's sticky and (in my arachnophobic case) terrifying, but don't you feel more alive in that moment of fear than you ever have before?

And that's just the precursor.

It only takes one...

This one isn't specifically relevant, but is really important to me so I thought I'd put it out there/here.

I have a serious drinking problem. Since coming back to school I hadn't touched a beer. Last night was forty days sober, so I ended up celebrating it in true alcoholic style - getting blind.

Now that said, this wasn't my usual bender. Firstly, I was drinking only beer and I didn't have a cigarette (so now I'm forty-one days smoke free). I watched the football with the boys, went out for a little and sank a few nightcaps at home. Nothing drastic, but considering my body hasn't had a drop in a while and I was floating in the double-drinking-digits, I got a little loose.

I slept longer than I have in ages, but I woke up feeling lethargic. I drank my first coffee in forty days to get out of the brain cloud but that didn't help either. I checked my phone and realised I may have sent (read: most certainly sent) a few choice messages to a lovely lady that might (read:did) land me in the $#!+.

While it was all happening I was having a great time. For the 6/10/12 hours I was drinking I was having a blast. It's the aftermath that isn't worth it.

I worked with, not a hangover, but whatever happens after a hangover before you feel normal again. I was responsible for other people and I was giving everyone lip, customers cheek and just being unpleasant. When I act that way it comes off funny, but it's actually quite disrespectful.

What is worse is that I end up disrespecting myself, losing touch with what I should be doing. Like taking care of my studies, honouring the commitment I made to not just increasing my own personal knowledge, but giving back, giving to the world that has given me so much.

I don't have that moderation button that so many people take for granted. I'm not asking for pity, or even understanding. I'm just admitting it 'aloud', placing it permanently in the magical interweb for [probably] no-one to see. I'm really just making it concrete to myself, cementing my particular brand of inadequacy so that I can look it in the eye, grab it by the balls and turn it to real advantage.

This level of addiction, of commitment, can be put to real use. Instead of placing my focus into the thick glass at the base of a bottle, I can direct it toward the thin shell that separates games from theatre, play from plays, life from falsehood, truth from escape.

It sounds easy, but it isn't. What it is is worthwhile. What it is is beautiful, powerful and it is so because, in my case, it is so tenuous, so precious. One drink is all it takes to take it away. One drink is all it takes to destroy everything.

But I won't let it, and you who might be reading this, you who sit next to me in class, you who have the same issue, you will be there to hold my hand, read my work, argue with me.

Because it only takes one...