Clarity

Narrowly avoided meltdown.

Having trouble defining my exact idea of immediacy, and started second guessing myself in the process.

As a performer, I have a tendency to just do stuff. If it didn't work, I can always try again in the next rehearsal, the next show.

But with Honours, it's so much waiting. I have months to do something. I'm going to do it over and over again until I want to burn it and never look at another reading, another thing I've written.

It's tough.

But I found something out, which is pretty cool. I MUST practice.

I thought I'd try a straight thesis, but that isn't how I work. Play to our strengths, right?

I woke up at 1am this morning and pulled out a pencil and an A3 book and went straight to work. There was no thinking, even though there was. There was no stress - I just kind of did it.

It felt exactly as it should be. I wrote in problems, wrote on ideas, drew a few pictures and then it was 3am and I needed to sleep again.

The sleep of babies, or quite possibly the damned.

I have no choice but to make this thing, and that beats all of the attempting to fit it into anything else for the moment. In doing what I do, I'll find something out, and I'm okay with that.

That's clarity as far as I'm concerned.